I am unable to write of dealing with grief when I am in the midst of overwhelming grief.

It's a brutal process of pain, numbness, depression, loneliness and aching loss that will never completely be assuaged.

The well wishes of friends have no effect on the process.  You are immersed in exquisite agony that seems to be endless.  Bouts of confusion, anger, agitation, weeping...all this and more.

In the midst of this brutal truth, you know that this will last a very long time and only time will attenuate, but never fully end, your newfound misery.

So be it.  Unless you are a psychopath, you will grieve over a severe loss.

That's where I am right now.

If I live, I am told I will become stronger.  Fuck that.  I am already strong enough.  I have proved that repeatedly to myself, which, after all, is the one that really matters in this continuous battle for physical and psychological survival.

I will survive, but I will never, ever be the same again.