The scum only attack at night.

They're truly great Americans, ones whose mothers can be  proud.

They sneak into my house when I'm asleep and pilfer my computer or personal belongings, and occasionally leave little mementos of their nocturnal visits.

What an incredible challenge...to creep an old man's apartment...a 70 year-old guy who is half deaf without hearing aids, blind in one eye, and who sleeps using a sleeping aid, guarded by an easily-intimidated rescued 11 year old Poodle who is in the final stage of terminal cancer.

What courage!  What intrepidity!  What a sublime and difficult challenge to overcome! 

Hell, they could ride skateboards into the place and I would never hear them.

I mean, we're talking A Team types here.  The very best of the best. Elite warriors of the clandestine services. Men of integrity, dedication and boldness.

Know this, scumbags:  If, on the outside chance I ever wake up, I will do my very best to blow your shit all over the walls.